Hercules
Hercules
Written by Frank Tieri
Art by Mark Texeira

Hercules 1
Hercules: The New Labors part 1

Gordon Allsworth is a producer for a Hercules series on tv, and he’s upset about how poor the production is. However, when his boss, Mister Stone, tells him that people don’t want to hear how great the heroes are. They want tales of fallen heroes. They want a tale of Hercules being at the funeral following Disassembled. (Note this is the second instance of Disassembled, a crappy story, being used for good stories. Bendis should pay attention.)

At the funeral for Vision, Ant-Man, Jack of Hearts and Hawkeye, Hercules showed up very drunk, rattling on about how horrible the Avengers are treating Thor. Turns out, none of them know that Thor is dead, but Hercules, as a god, does. And he is pissed that the Avengers are not including Thor in the funeral. As Hercules grabs the Beast, Iron Man goes to help. Brushing him off, he listens to Captain America and unhands the Beast. Now granted, he did this by throwing the Beast into Cap and Iron Man, but he at least did as he was told. The next scenes is people reacting to the carnage with the line “He’s knocking over the coffins! Somebody stop him!”

On tv, Captain America talks about the Avengers being disbanded. Hercules throws a chair into the tv, talking about how disassembling was for lesser teams, like those worthless x-people. Hercules decides that he’s going to form his own Avengers team, that’ll show them all! The bouncer comes up to him and asks him to leave. Herk puts the bouncer through the wall. The bartender gets upset but says that she puts up with it because Herk pays in solid gold coins. The camera claims that he’s Kevin Smith to try to pick up a girl. It seems to working well.

Hercules proceeds to tell the bartender of his great labors that he completed due to his pittance for killing his wife and children. Finishing his story, Herk goes to use the restroom. As he stands at the urinal, another man covered from head to toe walks in. “Your plight is both flattering and understandable however, ‘tis not happening.” Cute.

The man knocks Hercules through the bathroom door. The man turns out to be Achelous, a minor river god, who finishes off Hercules. As Achelous drags Herk to a limo, the mastermind behind this turns out to be Eurystheus, the man responsible for Hercules’ first labors.

A good issue, and another issue that deals wonderful with the aftermath of Disassembled, much better than the actual Avengers ever did.

Hercules 2
The New Labors of Hercules part 2 (yes, they changed the title)
Eurystheus recounts his origin. He was out to kill all of Hercules’ relatives, but he was captured, and Herk’s mom plucked out his eyes and then cut off his head. Normally, that’s all there is, but Hera brought him back to life, and Eurystheus sewed his head back on. He’s spent a very long time figuring out the best way to get rich, and he’s done just that. He wants to make Hercules look good, just because Hercules is making him look bad by comparison. His plan? Hercules is going to repeat the twelve labors, but now in the Marvel Universe as we know it. Hercules agrees.

Hermes runs into an office building to tell Zeus what’s going on. Zeus, of course, has just finished.... dictation... with an attractive mortal.

Seriously, that was everything that happened in this issue, but it was very solid. Part one of this showed that Herk hitting rock bottom, and now we have how he can redeem himself. Next few issues will be fast action, I promise.

Hercules 3
The New Labors of Hercules part 3

A quick recap of the last issue. Hercules smacks down a T-Rex, obviously in the Savage Land. Apparently, he was supposed to capture a sabertooth tiger. He was a bit off. Turns out, the first task is supposed to mirror Herk fighting the Nemean Lion. He goes into the clearing (and there is a funny joke about “Chico’s Bail Bonds... someone likes the Bad News Bears..) And tosses out Zabu. Ka-Zar and Shanna shows up, but nothing comes of it.

Labor 2: Herk had to take down the Hydra. Well, the modern day equivalent is of course, the crime organization, Hydra.

This one didn’t take long. But there was a mechanical hydra that blew up before Hercules touched it. This was very easy.

Labor 3: Herk had to capture the Erymanthian Boar.

This time, he had to he had to kidnap Lockjaw.

Labor 4: He had to get the Cerynean Hind.

This time, he had to take down the Dragon Man. After handcuffing himself to Dragon Man, Dragon Man flew away, dragging Hercules around. Dragon Man eventually took a nap and Herk won!

Labor 5: He had to stop the Harpies.

Here, he had to stop Attuma. He did so. And Attuma took over a retirement village in Florida.

Labor 6: He had to clean out the stable of King Augeas and deal with horrid smells.

This time, he had to deal with the Red Dust of the Red Skull. He got high and wanted some White Castles. That one was taken care of.

Herk is down, mostly because he stumbled his way through his labors, only a few he did any real good in. That is until he talked to his camera man. James told him that in order to succeed, you have to be good and lucky. Thus far, he had been lucky, now was the time to be good.

Labor 7: Herk had to beat down the Cretan Bull.

Hercules vs. Abomination. Abomination discusses how badly he’s going to beat on Herk. Hercules takes a swing with a light post and takes Abomination down. “Next time, less talking and more fighting.”

Elsewhere, Hera gives Eurystheus the final four tasks.

This issue was fun, and served it’s purpose well. Thus far, there hasn’t been a filler issue, and since there is only two left, it’s not looking like we’re going to have one.

Hercules 4
The New Labors of Hercules part 4

It starts off with Zeus having a meeting with the board of Olympians. “I have one fault.” “Mortal women?” “It’s gotta be mortal women...” Turns out he brought the gods here so that they don’t lose touch with the mortals and have the same fate befall them that befell the Asgardians. Anyway, they vote, and decide not to intervene on Hercules’ behalf. He’s gonna be doing this all on his own.

Labor 8: Herk had to beat Diomedes and his man eating mares.

Now, Hercules has to take down the Mole Man and four monsters like the one that took on the Fantastic Four back in their first issue. Hercules beats them, and then labor is done.

Labor 9: Herk had to get the Golden Girdle of the Amazons.

Now, he has to get Captain America’s shield. Cap apologizes to Hercules about their actions back in issue one, and about how they have more in common then most would think. They are both old soldiers in an era they didn’t make. So Hercules knocks him out and takes the shield. Wolverine shows up. “The Avengers hath reassembled? Then that would mean they let $%^&** Wolverine on the team and not Hercules?” Then he runs through Wolverine, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, and Iron Man. As he leaves “Wolverine... hmph.” My thoughts exactly.

Labor 10: He had yo steal the red cattle from Geryon.

Here, he took a Doombot... or was it the real Doom? Hard to say, but it implies the latter.

Labor 11: Had to get the Golden apples from the tree of Hesperides

Now, he had to steal the Shield Helicarrier. As he’s dragging it away, someone wakes up Nick Fury. “Wake me up if he takes us someplace good.”

The last labor is the hardest yet. The original labor had Herk going to capture Cerberus from the gates of Hades. Now, he has to return... only now, he has to get forgiveness from his wife for killing her and their children.

Damn, that sets up the last issue wonderfully, and I didn’t see this coming. This mini series is coming along fantastically.

Hercules 5
The New Labors of Hercules part 5

Herk is back in the bar. The bartender says that he’s had five kegs. Gordon has been hard on Herk all series, we find out why now. Hercules was his hero, and he wants Herk to be a great hero again. Hercules goes to find Pluto, who is calling himself Hades again. He’s now the lord of the Underworld and the mafia. It only fits for his character. Hades would allow Herk to enter the underworld but only on a condition that Hades gets a favor later. We never find out what, but it could be interesting.

In the underworld, Herk beats up on Cerberus again. His wife appears, and says that all of Herk’s actions have been to try to forget her. “And you, happy-go-lucky Hercules are anything but. After all, nobody gets that drunk.” She gives Hercules a flower to prove that she forgives him. But it’s obvious that Hercules doesn’t forgive himself.

Hera of course was in charge of Hercules when he killed his loved ones, but it doesn’t matter to Hercules. He tricks Eurystheus and the river god to kill each other. They had killed the lights, but Herk’s camera crew had turned on the light on the camera to get Hercules the advantage.

At the post wrap party, it’s discovered that the bartender is now dating Hercules, after turning down Wolverine. However, Hercules isn’t at the party. He’s at the grave of his wife and kids.

Wonderful story, but there is only one problem I have, what is Hades going to have Hercules do? This was the only thing that hurt this series. I LOVED this series, it was damned solid, and had few flaws in it.

Over all rating 9 out of 10.

This next week, we deal with Identity Crisis followed by the new miniseries springing from it. That’s right, a week of DC.