bob_lot ([info]bob_lot) wrote,
@ 2005-08-13 23:09:00
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Current mood: frustrated
Current music:Help Somebody- Van Zant

And the day after
If only I could write stuff as interesting as my life has been the past bit.

Here it is for ya'll, the report on the date.

She remembered me the moment that she saw me. That's a major yay!

Has a boyfriend, not a huge surprise. I've been calling it a date just for simple terms, but that's not exactly what it was. I like to keep things simple. So simply put, this is a boo.

What was not expected. For her boyfriend to be a fucking asshole who needs to be casterated and then sent to the worst dungeon imaginable and tortured, very slowly, to death.

And before you just think I'm overexaggerating, he's hit her, twice. And for those who don't know me that well, this is one of those things that is inexcusable.

Quick details, she's moved away from him, and is questioning whether he is the right person for her. He is not, and that much is obvious, she deserves so much better than that. It's to the point where I don't necessarily want her with me (I do, don't get me wrong) as long as she is with someone who treats her like she deserves to be treated.

And for those of you who don't know me too well, I am not going anywhere. I'm part of this now, simply because I cannot back out of this. I can't stand down and pretend it hasn't happened, that's not who I am.

Mom says that I can't save everyone. I don't want to save everyone, I just want to save Angie. Dad says I shouldn't get involved. But we both know that I was raised differently, and I honestly believe he'd be disappointed in me if I did just back down.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't just come into this girl's life after four years and expect to completly overhaul her life. And I sure as hell can't just sit back and do nothing. But I don't know what I can do. It's not like I have a wide variety of choices. I don't see a path in front of me, I don't know how to start one with this. I don't know what to do.

I want to save her, but what if she doesn't want saving? She's obviously not happy with things the way they are, but she's still with him. I don't get that mentality. She's a wonderfully smart woman, who uses the word asinine a bit too much for my tastes, but she doesn't seem to realize where this is going. has she never seen Life Tv? She's had a hard life, and she's done so much to fix it, but she isn't doing herself any favors by staying with this asshole.

I just don't get it... Angie is so sweet, how the hell could anyone ever want to hurt her? What kind of fucking creep would ever want to hurt someone like her. She's such an amazing person, and I can count the number of girls I've met like her on one hand...

If you have any ideas of what I can do, I am more than willing to listen to them, because I'm really in over my head here. This was not quite what I was expecting from all this. Right now, my entire strategy is the pray, and hope that God gives me some of His divine wisdom, because my limited intellegence is grasping for straws.

This is no evil twin, but still, a nice soap opera twist that I was not expecting. At least I understand this whim now. And if ya'll need me to explain that last bit to ya, ask, and I'll be more than willing to share my rather strange beliefs involving my whims.

Don't get too high on the bottle,
and get right with the man.
Fight your fights, find your grace
and all the things that you can't change,
and help somebody if you can


(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]john_flint
2005-08-14 02:40 pm UTC (link)
If you need it, I've got a machete my sister brought back from Africa.

And for the record, I have no problem with hitting women, if they're coming at you first. No sense losing an eye due to chivalry.

(Reply to this)

You Can Only Do What She Allows You To
[info]unimatrix_one
2005-08-15 05:14 am UTC (link)
If she comes to you for help, then you help her.

Otherwise, there is nothing you can do.

You cant let yourself get attached to the situation. Believe me, I know it's hard but all it will do is emotionally drain you.

My friend Karla is like that. You would wonder why any man would want hit her, but yet she runs back. In fact, she's addicted to the drama. What can you do?

Face facts, even Superman cant save everyone. As much as you want you step in and save the day, it's best to leave the situation alone.

(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re: You Can Only Do What She Allows You To
[info]meriadesrai
2005-08-17 08:44 am UTC (link)
> If she comes to you for help, then you help her. Otherwise, there is nothing you can do. <

I disagree. You just have to ensure that you retain some kind of emotional distance, and play it clever. Give someone enough rope and they'll hang themself - take the rope away and they can't.

> Face facts, even Superman cant save everyone. As much as you want you step in and save the day, it's best to leave the situation alone. <

Superman sucks. Kick his sorry ass out of there and bring in the Wolverine. He'll throw himself into the thick of it and take stock afterwards.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]bob_lot
2005-08-15 07:57 pm UTC (link)
I'm well aware of all that. I think she's on the fence about the guy, I just don't know what I can really do. And once again, leaving the situation alone is not something I am prepared to do.

(Reply to this)


[info]meriadesrai
2005-08-17 08:31 am UTC (link)
My thoughts, just as an observer:

There are two types of men who hit women - both arseholes, you'll get no argument from me there, but the distinction is important. The first kind is the sadist and the bully, for whom hitting anyone - man or woman - is simply a way of expressing himself, to underline a point or to impose a ruling. These guys are not only dangerous and cruel, they're also usually pretty intelligent. The second type are those who lash out because of temper or their own insecurities, perhaps alcohol-fueled, whose actions are borne from emotion rather than calculation.

If she's with the first kind, she may be in physical danger and need to help to escape the situation, but she'll be happy enough for your help. It's the second kind you need to be wary of, because when they hit they're always sorry - and, if you love someone, you can often forgive them anything. Deep down, she'll see this guy's occasional violence as nothing more than a blemish - like a wart on the nose, or an artificial leg, or a drug dependency. It's something to be overcome, and to be weighed up against his good points. Sometimes it even becomes part of the attraction, a way one can prove to oneself that you have stickability and that 'love conquers all'.

You're unlikely to get anywhere banging on about this guy's dark side - she'll either end up defending him or getting fed up with you. What you have to do is learn about his good side - the things she actually likes about him - and show her that someone else (you, or whoever) can provide these things (and more) just as easily. You also have to fill in the gaps in her needs that this guy can't.

In short, you can't do anything about him (short of slitting his throat in a dark alleyway) but you can open her eyes to other possibilities. Take her out and show her a good time. Give her some positives to think about, and don't let every meeting dissolve into discussing 'him'. Don't, whatever you do, be constantly critical of him, because then you're indirectly criticising her.

Give her what she needs - even if what she needs is just a friend and a periodic escape - and, eventually, she should see how poor her relationship is with the other guy in comparison. Just don't give her any opportunity to defend him, make excuses for him, or feel sympathetic towards him.

(Reply to this)


[info]meriadesrai
2005-08-17 08:40 am UTC (link)
Oh, and something I forgot - if he's a real nasty swine and she's still attached, she's obviously hugely low in confidence and self-esteem. Build her up at every opportunity, especially if you can integrate her into a circle of new friends, but be prepared that he'll be the wrecking ball trying to drive a hole into the wall you're constructing around her. Be patient, don't get frustrated. Buy her little gifts (but don't come on too strong), take her out, make her laugh. Listen to her (but subtly try and change the subject if she talks about him), find out what she likes and enjoys, give her every chance to flourish. Don't be aggressive in any way (even - or especially - towards the guy) because that will make her retreat.

Make everything about her, not him.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]mimick
2005-08-17 04:08 pm UTC (link)
Much better advice then I gave.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]bob_lot
2005-08-17 01:18 pm UTC (link)
Meri,that is easily the best advice that I've been given about this. And you're right, as far as I can tell, it incorporates everything that I'm looking for.

Thank you.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]meriadesrai
2005-08-17 08:37 pm UTC (link)
You're welcome.

I've had a hell of a lot of screwed up relationships in my time. The experience may as well be useful for something...

(Reply to this) (Parent)

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